Letters from me, to you
03.08.22: Newsletter 1-WHY HAVE WE STOPPED HAVING SEX?!!
It’s a question that comes up time and time again in my coaching practise, and the answers are innumerable and often unique to the individual or couple involved, and indeed the particular moment in time.
Do any of these ring true for you? What else?
Take a moment to consider the question for yourself.
Give yourself permission to answer honestly.
What associated emotions are you noticing? Frustration? Sadness? Numbness? Anger? What else?
Close your eyes for a moment (if that feels comfortable) and take a few gentle, deep breaths. Notice how your body is feeling, and where in your body you feel the associated emotion most strongly.
For example, perhaps you notice a heavy feeling in your tummy, or a fluttery sensation in your heart.
Place your hand there, and breathe. Imagine you are sending yourself love, or giving yourself a hug as you would a small child who came to you in distress.
Just allow, and breathe.
There’s no need to ‘do’ anything at this point. So often, when we become aware of an “issue” our instinct is to rush to the “solution”, reacting to the trigger with an energy of ‘get rid’.
I’ve got a headache- take a paracetamol!
I hate my job- quit!
We’re not having sex- we’re going to have to break up!
The good news is that, for 99.5% of my clients anyway, the answer to not having sex is definitely not to break up.
99.5% of the time, what’s really needed is first to become AWARE.
Starting the process of enquiry, getting honest with yourself, feeling into what your body and mind may be telling you. This can feel like thorny, sensitive stuff, so it’s worth going gently and as compassionately to yourself and your partner as possible.
The second step is to try to ACCEPT. Be present with the discomfort for a while, allowing yourself to feel what’s true for you, safe in the knowledge that things can and will shift.
Then, and only then, can you move into the third step of conscious ACTION, coming from a place of calm response rather than emotional reaction.
Finally, consider this: “why is having sex important to you?”
.............................................................................................................
The reasons for not having sex can loosely (and very broadly!) fall into 3 categories:
Right now, if you had to choose one, which of the three categories feels most apt for you?
Although, more often than not, it’s can be combination of these 3 that causes our sex life to stall.
So for the next few weeks, I’m going to explore each of 3 categories in a little more depth, starting with the first: Relationship Stuff.
Some of the typical scenarios I come across in my coaching practice are:
Scenario 1: “We’re in a really loving relationship but addressing the unerotic elephant in the room feels too awkward, we just wouldn’t know where to start”
Scenario 2: “We barely spend time together as a couple anymore and our disconnect outside of the bedroom is making sex (& even each other) unappealing”
Scenario 3: “We have sex fairly regularly but it’s boring to me- it feels like we’re ticking a box and getting it done rather than really enjoying it. It seems to be ok for him/ her, but not for me.”
Sound familiar? What else?
A common theme throughout all of these (and the multiple other scenarios that present themselves!) is a lack of communication.
That lack of communication can be as a result of
No matter how long you’ve been together, or how loving your relationship, talking about sex can be really, really hard.
But, if not having sex (or not having the kind of sex you would like) is important to you, then it’s important for your relationship that you start communicating about it.
Remember- we are not mind readers!
So, I invite you to explore some of the following that, from my personal and professional perspective, can be really helpful:
Some tips:
Finally, consider this: How could things change if both of you claim 100% responsibility for it?
.............................................................................................................
19.08.22: Newsletter 3- THE KEY TO BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Sometimes the reason we don’t want to have sex is due to our relationship with our partner. Sometimes, it’s due to the relationship we have with ourselves.
“I hate my body- I don’t feel good naked, I hate other people looking at me, can’t stand the idea of being ‘seen’, especially ‘down there’”
“I only feel pleasure with a very particular type of touch. My head gets in the way too much for me to feel anything else”
“I can’t trust my body to ‘do’ what it’s ‘meant to’ so it’s easier just not to go there”
*stay hard, be lubricated enough, feel pleasure, <insert own belief about what your body ‘should’ be doing>
Feeling relaxed, confident and enthusiastic about sex is difficult if you’re feeling the opposite about yourself and what you anticipate.
So, this week’s invitation is to….. Take responsibility for your turn on.
Finally, consider this: How could you start to prioritise pleasure- any kind of pleasure- in your life?
.............................................................................................................
26.08.22: Newsletter 4- LIFE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR LIBIDO?
Sometimes you can feel GREAT about yourself and AMAZING about your relationship- and still not want to have sex.
Sometimes- Life Gets In The Way.
And life can be hard! Yep.
When you think about the ‘micro’ stressors of work, family, parenting, health, money, then wrap them up in the ‘macro’ anxieties of the world at large- war, climate change, soaring costs of living, recessions, is it any wonder it’s hard to feel ‘up for it’ all (or even most) of the time?
Sex can be a great way of relieving some of that stress, coming back into now, feeling the comfort of intimacy, and having some pleasure amongst the madness … but without awareness of what is causing our libido to droop it’s hard to muster up enough energy to do anything about it.
So, first up- Name it.
Then, identify the need behind it.
Finally, think about how you can start to meet that need- or what you need from your partner to support you. Then do it- ask for it- and listen to what your partner needs in return.
We can all be living in a similar situation and have very different responses to it. For some, the stress of the outside world may increase their desire for intimacy at home. For others, the opposite effect.
Context is key. I highly recommend reading ‘Come As You Are’ by Emily Nagoski for more on this.
Finally, consider this:
What do you need, what does your partner need, and what does your relationship need right now?
.............................................................................................................
It’s a question that comes up time and time again in my coaching practise, and the answers are innumerable and often unique to the individual or couple involved, and indeed the particular moment in time.
- I’m too tired
- I’ve got nothing left to give
- It’s not satisfying or exciting for me
- It’s been too long, I wouldn’t know where to start
- I don’t trust my body
- I don’t trust my partner
- I’m afraid it will hurt
- I’m afraid it or I won’t be any good
- It’s easier and more satisfying on my own
- There’s too much resentment
- I feel too distracted/ stressed/ anxious about work/ family/ the news
- I’m ashamed of my body
- There’s never enough time
- Or even, in the case of recent weeks, THE WEATHER!
Do any of these ring true for you? What else?
Take a moment to consider the question for yourself.
Give yourself permission to answer honestly.
What associated emotions are you noticing? Frustration? Sadness? Numbness? Anger? What else?
Close your eyes for a moment (if that feels comfortable) and take a few gentle, deep breaths. Notice how your body is feeling, and where in your body you feel the associated emotion most strongly.
For example, perhaps you notice a heavy feeling in your tummy, or a fluttery sensation in your heart.
Place your hand there, and breathe. Imagine you are sending yourself love, or giving yourself a hug as you would a small child who came to you in distress.
Just allow, and breathe.
There’s no need to ‘do’ anything at this point. So often, when we become aware of an “issue” our instinct is to rush to the “solution”, reacting to the trigger with an energy of ‘get rid’.
I’ve got a headache- take a paracetamol!
I hate my job- quit!
We’re not having sex- we’re going to have to break up!
The good news is that, for 99.5% of my clients anyway, the answer to not having sex is definitely not to break up.
99.5% of the time, what’s really needed is first to become AWARE.
Starting the process of enquiry, getting honest with yourself, feeling into what your body and mind may be telling you. This can feel like thorny, sensitive stuff, so it’s worth going gently and as compassionately to yourself and your partner as possible.
The second step is to try to ACCEPT. Be present with the discomfort for a while, allowing yourself to feel what’s true for you, safe in the knowledge that things can and will shift.
Then, and only then, can you move into the third step of conscious ACTION, coming from a place of calm response rather than emotional reaction.
Finally, consider this: “why is having sex important to you?”
.............................................................................................................
10.08.22: Newsletter 2- LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
The reasons for not having sex can loosely (and very broadly!) fall into 3 categories:
- Relationship Stuff
- Body Stuff
- Life Stuff
Right now, if you had to choose one, which of the three categories feels most apt for you?
Although, more often than not, it’s can be combination of these 3 that causes our sex life to stall.
So for the next few weeks, I’m going to explore each of 3 categories in a little more depth, starting with the first: Relationship Stuff.
Some of the typical scenarios I come across in my coaching practice are:
Scenario 1: “We’re in a really loving relationship but addressing the unerotic elephant in the room feels too awkward, we just wouldn’t know where to start”
Scenario 2: “We barely spend time together as a couple anymore and our disconnect outside of the bedroom is making sex (& even each other) unappealing”
Scenario 3: “We have sex fairly regularly but it’s boring to me- it feels like we’re ticking a box and getting it done rather than really enjoying it. It seems to be ok for him/ her, but not for me.”
Sound familiar? What else?
A common theme throughout all of these (and the multiple other scenarios that present themselves!) is a lack of communication.
That lack of communication can be as a result of
- Not really knowing what YOU want or how YOU feel about it
- Fear of being misunderstood or blamed
- Not wanting to rock the boat
- Being afraid of upsetting your partner
No matter how long you’ve been together, or how loving your relationship, talking about sex can be really, really hard.
But, if not having sex (or not having the kind of sex you would like) is important to you, then it’s important for your relationship that you start communicating about it.
Remember- we are not mind readers!
So, I invite you to explore some of the following that, from my personal and professional perspective, can be really helpful:
Some tips:
- Pick your moment. There is no point trying to bring up sensitive topics if one or both of you are in a mood, distracted, or halfway through the 3rd large glass of rose. Conversations go WAY better when there is a baseline of equanimity and connection.
- Start your conversation with positive statements or affirmations about each other or your relationship eg “I really love you and I am so grateful for our relationship” or “Thank you for always supporting me” or “I think you’re the best parent our kids could ask for”... you get the picture, just make sure it feels authentic to you.
- Use ‘I’ statements, rather than the accusatory ‘you’. For example, “you don’t care about what I want!” is less likely to elicit a positive response from your partner than e.g “I feel nervous telling you about my needs”. Also- side note- being vulnerable and owning that often gives your partner permission to do to same. Win win.
- Remember that you don’t have to agree or have the same perspective on a situation. The key is to be honest about how you feel, and be respectful and curious about your partner’s feelings, even if they differ from yours.
- Avoid The Pointy Finger! It is SO easy to fall into a position of attack and defend when we get into difficult conversations or conflict, where the metaphorical (or literal) pointy finger jabbing inevitably raises the metaphorical (or literal) shield of defence. Do something for me now- make a pointy finger gesture with your hand. Do you notice how one finger is pointing forwards, and the rest are pointing right back at you? Hmmmm…… the question to ask ourselves in these moments is: how am I also responsible for this situation?
- Consider your ‘Love Language’ and how this may be impacting your relationship. Click here for a blog I wrote about it.
Finally, consider this: How could things change if both of you claim 100% responsibility for it?
.............................................................................................................
19.08.22: Newsletter 3- THE KEY TO BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Sometimes the reason we don’t want to have sex is due to our relationship with our partner. Sometimes, it’s due to the relationship we have with ourselves.
“I hate my body- I don’t feel good naked, I hate other people looking at me, can’t stand the idea of being ‘seen’, especially ‘down there’”
“I only feel pleasure with a very particular type of touch. My head gets in the way too much for me to feel anything else”
“I can’t trust my body to ‘do’ what it’s ‘meant to’ so it’s easier just not to go there”
*stay hard, be lubricated enough, feel pleasure, <insert own belief about what your body ‘should’ be doing>
Feeling relaxed, confident and enthusiastic about sex is difficult if you’re feeling the opposite about yourself and what you anticipate.
So, this week’s invitation is to….. Take responsibility for your turn on.
- Get to know your body with solo self-pleasure. Play with different types of touch, switch up your position, slow down, speed up. Experiment! By doing so, you’ll be building new neural pathways to pleasure and increasing your body’s receptivity to pleasure. You’ll also feel more confident in, and connected to, your body - and your ability to feel more during partnered sex
- Breathe! Feeling too ‘in your head’, or racing towards the end goal? Slow, deep belly breathing will calm your nervous system, bring you back into your body and the present moment, and can help control orgasm. Feel like you’ve dropped off the pleasure train and want to get back on? Try inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth at a quicker speed than normal. Sync in a hip flex if you fancy it.
- Get a mirror- and get naked! Look at yourself with the intention of feeling love, compassion, appreciation and acceptance- even the bits that you find hard to love. Hand on your heart if it helps. Breathe. Be kind. Allow any and all emotions to surface. You got this.
- Practice your kegels! Click here to read a blog I wrote with some tips.
Finally, consider this: How could you start to prioritise pleasure- any kind of pleasure- in your life?
.............................................................................................................
26.08.22: Newsletter 4- LIFE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR LIBIDO?
Sometimes you can feel GREAT about yourself and AMAZING about your relationship- and still not want to have sex.
Sometimes- Life Gets In The Way.
And life can be hard! Yep.
When you think about the ‘micro’ stressors of work, family, parenting, health, money, then wrap them up in the ‘macro’ anxieties of the world at large- war, climate change, soaring costs of living, recessions, is it any wonder it’s hard to feel ‘up for it’ all (or even most) of the time?
Sex can be a great way of relieving some of that stress, coming back into now, feeling the comfort of intimacy, and having some pleasure amongst the madness … but without awareness of what is causing our libido to droop it’s hard to muster up enough energy to do anything about it.
So, first up- Name it.
- I’m just too tired
- I am so stressed about….
- I am touched out
- The world is making me feel scared and unsafe
Then, identify the need behind it.
- Sleep
- Relaxation
- Receiving rather than giving
- Feeling held and secure
Finally, think about how you can start to meet that need- or what you need from your partner to support you. Then do it- ask for it- and listen to what your partner needs in return.
We can all be living in a similar situation and have very different responses to it. For some, the stress of the outside world may increase their desire for intimacy at home. For others, the opposite effect.
Context is key. I highly recommend reading ‘Come As You Are’ by Emily Nagoski for more on this.
Finally, consider this:
What do you need, what does your partner need, and what does your relationship need right now?
.............................................................................................................